CoolCanucks Exclusive Thread just for jokes!!

[Valeriey]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, ****head? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


.........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?!!

[Valeriey]

Best Menopause Question Ever

Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[Valeriey]

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....


1. Men are like Laxatives They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Valeriey]

Black Panties


Mabel had lost her husband almost four years ago and was becoming quite the
recluse.

Her daughter was constantly calling and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Mabel said she wouldn't mind going out, but didn't know
anyone.

A few days later her daughter told her", "Mom I have someone for you
to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They really took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

She happily, if not cautiously, accepted.

The first night there she undressed, as did he.

There she stood nude,except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his
birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same
she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit

But now he was wearing a black co*dom.

She looked at him and asked: What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[Valeriey]

Confucius Say:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble
One *****, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car
Get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car
Get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket
Feel ****y all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano
Wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick
Go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes
Get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong.
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse
Soon find him in cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day
Get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib
But one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell
Bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet
Is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house
Should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well
Often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church
Sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
To midget.

[Valeriey]

MORNING COMUTE

This morning on the Interstate
I looked over to my left
and there was a woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 65 mph
With her Face up
Next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner
I looked away for a couple seconds
And when I looked back
She was halfway over in my lane
Still working on that makeup
As a man I don't scare easily
But she scared me so much
I dropped my electric shaver
Which knocked the donut
Out of my other hand
In all the confusion
Of trying to straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel
It knocked my cell phone
Away from my ear
Which fell into the coffee
Between my legs
Splashed and burned
Big Jim and the Twins
Ruined the darn phone
Soaked my trousers
And disconnected an
Important call
Stupid women drivers!

[Valeriey]

I leave you with a thought on "Inner Peace":I am passing this on to you
because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in
our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I
have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started: So I looked around
my house to see things I'd started and hadn'tfinished and, before leaving
the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka,a pockage of Prunglies ,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an
a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to
dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece .

[Valeriey]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


'Oh, no, I-I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a
few minutes,' the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping
his hands together at his groin. This could be a major law
suit in the
making.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his
pants and put her hands inside -- this was serious, no time
for discretion,
she had to apply her medical skills immediately.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments
and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my
thumb's broken.'

[Valeriey]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.



'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:




'Is that one word or two?'

[Valeriey]

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF '08 ...


SMART ASS ANSWER # 6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'





#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'